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Slowpokes Need A Prompt Player as an Example to Emulate - SNAPPEE
Musings on the Pace of Play
By Joel Zuckerman
Do you know golfers whose pace of play can only be described as glacial? Are there members in your regular group who are slower than tooth decay? Are you familiar with players who are so sluggish that a bird could nest on their head while they stand over a shot? If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, than you are an excellent candidate for membership in the new speedy play society. It's called Slowpokes Need A Prompt Player as an Example to Emulate; or SNAPPEE, for short.
As a SNAPPEE member, you will be responsible for making sure that golf remains a daytime pursuit. It is our member's responsibility to keep the group moving, eradicate plumb bobbing, and do away with all dilly-dallying. There will be special consideration given to all applicants who were born in England or the United Kingdom. These folks are predisposed to be SNAPPEE members, as an 18 hole match lasting longer than three hours in the U.K. is a rare occurrence indeed. Speedy golf is in their genes.
Now, membership in SNAPPEE is going to be very prestigious, and a bargain to boot. For only $49.95, plus $9.95 shipping and handling, you receive a signed certificate, visor, bag tag, whistle, and commemorative stopwatch. But all is not roses. For every SNAPPEE member that's selected, there are 50 members of the Society that Nurtures an Abundance of Inert Linksters, or SNAIL. As a member of the moral minority, it's up to the SNAPPEES to convert the SNAILS. Here are some examples of what neophyte SNAPPEES need to be on the lookout for:
The practice-swing pariah-- This miscreant isn't content with a practice swing or two. He needs six before each shot. Add 110 ball strikes to 600 or more imaginary ones, and you can see why he's barely moving by the 16th tee.
The ball hawk-- She drives a Mercedes, vacations in Europe, and spends ten minutes whacking the weeds, looking for a cracked Flying Lady golf ball that was purchased and used six months prior.
The storyteller-- This windbag couldn't be more fascinating; just ask him. Stories of business triumphs, girls he's dated, rounds he's shot, courses he's played, miraculous shots he pulled off; a veritable fountain of information.
The statue-- A quick rule of thumb. If it takes a player longer to pull the trigger on any particular shot then it does to read this sentence, then he's an offender.
Pokey Pete-This guy moves like he's underwater. He walks slowly, he talks slowly, he takes more time to throw a few blades of grass in the air then you do to pull your club and advance the ball. Remind him that golf is supposed to be exercise, and he'd be better served to simply commit, and then hit.
The space cadet-- A variety of annoyances here. Walks to the wrong cart, doesn't know where the next tee is, leaves clubs, can't find his ball, forgets to replace the pin, etc. etc. Aren't there medications available for these people?
Little Miss Wishy-Washy-- Is it a hard 5 iron, or a soft 4? Should I try and hit a fairway wood out of this lie? Is it a crosswind, or is it quartering? Explain gently that her game would improve if she could lose the paralysis by analysis.
The Mulligan Man-- This beauty has somehow forgotten that golf is supposed to be played with a single ball. Bad drive? That's o.k., hit another. Skulled approach? No problem, just reload and try again. Get Mulligan (and his bag of "practice" balls) off of the golf course!
There are dozens of reasons to admire PGA Tour pros. Their impressive swings, scores and paychecks to name but three. But you do not want to imitate their pace of play. There are thousands of dollars riding on the outcome of each of their shots. You probably play a two dollar nassau, and will shoot between 80 and 105 whether it's in three hours or four. Make it closer to three, will you?
Legendary golfer Sam Snead said it best when he counseled a young golfer who was making his first appearance at a professional tournament. Snead said, "Miss 'em quick, son", and his advice is worthy of being expanded upon. The most companionable golfers are quick and competent. The next best thing is quick and incompetent. This is followed by slow and competent. The least companionable golfers are.....well, you get the idea.
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